I dragged my feet walking toward the cafeteria. As I entered through the doors my eyes darted from side to side as the smell of overcooked French fries and overapplied cologne assailed my nose. Where were my friends? My heart was pounding. I let out an audible sigh as I saw some friends at a table in the far back right corner of the cafeteria. Out of the way. Granting enough invisibility to let me pretend I had mastered being 12 years old. My step quickened as I moved to the table, greeted my friends and sat down with a relieved “humpf.”
Middle school. Do you remember feeling that combination of insecurity and independence? Back then we were trying to figure out who we were and where we belonged.
And we still are.
I feel like I’m trapped in middle school, like we’ve created a society-wide version of the posturing and insecurities of our early teenage years, only amplified by 1,000% with social media and vast quantities of money fueling outrage. People with power picking on the vulnerable. People trying to stay out of the way of marauding mobs online (and sometimes in person). Many who know better going along because of fear.
Or because of a need to feel they belong.
But we are adults now and should know how to handle this insanity better than we did when we were 12.
Don’t we?
I think some of the answers are the same that we intuitively used when we were young: find your friends.
Find the people who accept you for you. As you are. With your idiosyncrasies and growing edges. Find a place where you can rest without having to gird yourself for battle.
Find your community.
And when you’re done resting, choose your battles. What do you care most deeply about? Find community within that issue, people with whom you can work to create a better tomorrow.
You may feel better momentarily if you scream and yell and call people names, but that is usually counterproductive for changing someone’s position about something. Nor will someone who is entrenched in their position suddenly see the light because of your rapier wit or even your reasonable arguments. People don’t change their minds logically. I have a whole series of podcast episodes on changing your and other’s minds.
But you can … and do … influence bystanders, people who aren’t as entrenched in their position, people who may be uncomfortable with whatever is happening, who may just be going along to get along. They may have been mesmerized by their need for belonging.
These bystanders may not know what to do about their discomfort. Help them.
State your objection clearly and calmly. Speak from your perspective, rather than make global statements. People might not like what you say, but the words are your truth. Sometimes forcing yourself to use “I” statements breaks the habit of speaking in generalities (I think, I feel, I believe) so that you’re not saying that anyone else feels the same way or should feel the same way, you’re just speaking from your perspective. Tell stories that illustrate your points.
You may need to build your muscles at speaking up. You can start with, “That makes me uncomfortable,” which works whether you’re talking about a joke at someone else’s expense or a disparaging comment.
Speaking up truly is a muscle that can be developed. But speaking up has consequences, just like it did in middle school.
And when those consequences feel too great, there is still something you can do.
Find a space of love and compassion within you and strengthen that love and compassion. By calming yourself, you can make decisions more easily and make decisions that are in line with who you are.
As an adult, I know who I want to be and what attributes I want to display to others. I can choose to be a person of compassion, one who is curious about others rather than judgmental.
I don’t want to go back to middle school.
I choose to be a light of love and compassion. I choose to shine my light brightly. I choose to be a force for good.
Be a force for good. Shine as brightly as you can.
Joni Miller is a writer, researcher, spiritual coach, and speaker who uses her knowledge, education, and love of all things spiritual to help others find their unique spiritual path. www.SpiritualGeography.net
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