In the 1944 movie Gaslight, a young woman, newly married, begins to doubt her own sanity. Her polished and charming husband keeps telling her she doesn’t see what she’s seeing, doesn’t hear what she’s hearing, and isn’t experiencing what she’s experiencing. Her very reality begins to fray.
What she doesn’t know is that he’s been manipulating her all along.
The modern term gaslighting comes from this story. But gaslighting is only one characteristic of emotionally abusive relationships. Chronic criticism, humiliation, and name-calling are others. So is shifting blame to others, flipping the script so that the one being harmed is the one being blamed. Stonewalling to destabilize. And above all — control.
Resources for those in abusive situations follow the text of this postIn emotionally abusive relationships, control shows up in decisions, finances, personal autonomy — even in who is allowed in the house. Who’s permitted into one’s life. Who is acceptable, and who must be shut out.
These patterns form what many psychologists and spiritual thinkers call “power over” — a dynamic rooted not in love, but in fear and domination. It’s the belief that some people must be controlled for others to feel secure. That authority means superiority. That trust means obedience.
But these traits don’t only live in private relationships. They appear whenever someone less powerful brings a complaint, a wound, or a truth that threatens the status quo.
In corporations, you see this when whistleblowers are isolated, discredited, or labeled “disgruntled,” while leadership insists there’s nothing to see — even as the harm continues.
In religious communities, it shows up when those who speak out about abuse or hypocrisy are cast as rebellious, spiritually weak, or dangerous to unity — and the institution wraps the silencing in the language of loyalty or faith.
In academic settings, it happens when people raising ethical concerns are dismissed as overly emotional, misinformed, or “not a team player” — while the institution protects its image at all costs.
And in politics?
We’re told not to believe our own eyes.
We’re told that what we saw didn’t happen.
That what we heard was taken out of context.
That the harm isn’t real — or worse, that it’s our fault for noticing it at all.
These tactics are effective for a reason.
Just like in Gaslight, the abuser — or the institution — is often someone trusted. Someone who presents themselves as having our best interests at heart. A CEO acting for the “good of the company.” A pastor “shepherding his flock.” A politician promising to serve “the common good.”
And as humans, we’d often rather keep trusting than face the heartbreak of realizing we’ve been deceived.
Escaping emotional abuse — whether personal or political — doesn’t begin with an intention to get out or change your beliefs. It has to begin with a flicker of clarity, without which you probably would continue living in this false world. This moment of clarity could be a gnawing question that keeps coming up as you listen to someone speaking, or it could be a feeling you try to ignore — that the story is deeper and more complicated than you’re being told.
In abusive relationships, that moment often comes quietly — when someone finally says, “You’re not crazy. I see it too.” Or when they read an article, someone’s personal story, or a work of fiction that names what they’ve experienced. All of a sudden, they’re being validated.
That first moment of being seen cracks the spell of isolation and shame, and their world becomes larger and once again full of possibilities.
That same moment of awakening is happening all around us. People are starting to ask:
Why are we being told to distrust our own eyes?
Why is dissent treated like betrayal?
Why is asking for accountability being met with attack?
The only way out of gaslighting — whether from a manipulative partner or a manipulative politician — is to start trusting your inner knowing again. To say, “I know what I saw. I know what I feel. I know what’s true.”
But even more than that — we don’t leave abuse on our own.
We can’t. Not really.
One of the deepest wounds of emotional abuse is isolation. And one of the most powerful forms of healing is witnessing — not fixing, not rescuing, but simply standing beside someone and saying: “I believe you.”
That is a sacred act.
That’s how love begins to stitch back what fear and control have torn.
And it’s true for individuals. It’s true for communities. It’s true for us.
Because we break the cycle of “power over” together.
When we choose to name what’s been happening.
When we refuse to gaslight ourselves or each other.
When we choose connection over compliance, and compassion over control.
The goal isn’t to take power away from the abuser so we can wield it ourselves.
The goal is to transform the very nature of power.
Not “power over,” but “power with.”
Power that listens.
Power that loves.
Power that liberates.
If you’re starting to question the stories you’ve been told — about who you are, what you’re worth, or who you’re meant to follow — you’re not wrong.
You're stepping into a deeper kind of knowing where love isn't control, and belonging doesn't require silence.
And if you’re wondering whether it’s possible to leave behind the systems and relationships that distort love... the answer is yes.
But we don’t do it alone.
We do it side by side, shoulder to shoulder.
Saying with clarity and care:
“You are not alone. I see it too. And we can walk out of this — together.”
Joni Miller, Ph.D., is a writer, researcher, spiritual coach, and speaker who uses her knowledge, education, and love of all things spiritual to help spiritual wanderers find a place they can call home, navigating by the light of Love. www.SpiritualGeography.net
Note: If you or someone you love is in an emotionally abusive or controlling situation, you’re not alone - and there is help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 24/7 confidential support, resources, and live chat for survivors of domestic abuse, their loved ones, and those seeking information. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or Text “START” to 88788; www.thehotline.org
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): The largest anti-sexual violence organization in the U.S., with crisis support and education on emotional abuse, coercive control, and more. www.rainn.org
UN Women - Resources on Gender-Based Violence: Includes links to local and regional crisis centers around the world. www.unwomen.org
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