We spend a lot of time asking who’s right, but far less time asking what our beliefs are actually producing.
I’ve talked to hundreds of people about their personal spirituality, mostly through workshops that I give using the Spiritual Geography Card Deck I created. I can tell you there are an infinite number of expressions of personal spirituality. And some of those expressions, truth be told, can make me a little uncomfortable. But my being uncomfortable doesn’t mean the other person’s spirituality is wrong in any way. My discomfort is not a judgment on their spirituality, merely a sign that I need to look at something within myself.
I have come to believe that the only way to look at our own, and someone’s spirituality, is by looking at the fruits of personal spirituality. That is, how does the person act, what does the person do as a result of believing what they believe? For example, a belief in the inherent divinity of every living thing could bring someone love and joy and inspire them to act with kindness toward other people and toward nature.
And it’s not just spiritual beliefs that can bear fruit. Some spiritual practices have physical and psychological benefits. Meditation can lower blood pressure. Performing a given ritual may help someone feel more at peace or more connected to the Infinite. It doesn’t matter if the ritual is communion in a church or a new moon ritual in a backyard. My judgment about the merits of the ritual, if I have any, doesn’t mean the ritual isn’t providing some spiritual or psychological value to the person in question.
I certainly can’t judge someone’s spirituality by whether it’s right or wrong, since the Divine is infinite and we can only see and know a miniscule part of that which is Transcendent. So I go back to the two questions I’ve mentioned here multiple times:
(1) how does the person’s spirituality, spiritual beliefs, or spiritual practices help them? And (2) does their spirituality, spiritual beliefs, or spiritual practices hurt them or anyone else in any way?
These questions help me curtail my judgment when I’m talking with someone whose spirituality looks very different from my own. And, let’s face it, no one’s spirituality lines up 100% with anyone else’s. So we’re always in danger of falling into judgment.
But even if someone has mastered the art of non-attachment and doesn’t judge, that person may push against someone else’s beliefs. It’s useful to know not only the things you gravitate toward, but also the things you push against. The beliefs or practices that you don’t value. Or that you know with absolute certainty this particular belief or particular spiritual practice is not something you want to believe in or something you want to do.
In these kind of situations, I find it very useful to remember that someone else’s belief or practice may be life-giving to them, even though I don’t personally believe it, aspire to do it, or in any way want to take it on for myself.
But I need to take a step back and define what “life-giving” means in this situation.
I see spirituality with three relationship elements: healthy spirituality helps with your relationship with yourself, your relationship with others, and your relationship with that which is Transcendent.
Personal spirituality impacts your relationship with yourself
To see how spirituality can be life-giving, start by looking at your own spirituality and spiritual practices. Not all of these questions will be relevant to you. That is okay. Our spirituality isn’t going to touch all of these elements at any one point in time. Our spirituality changes over our life and things we need to focus on today may not be pertinent at some other moment.
Looking at your relationship with yourself: Is there a way your spirituality helps you look at yourself with kindness and compassion? How does your spirituality help you deal with your own mistakes and failings? We all make mistakes and none of us is perfect. Does your spirituality have room for both humility and pride? Being able to see our own strengths, gifts, and contributions is as important as knowing our growing edges. Does your spirituality help you with self-acceptance? Self-forgiveness?
Do you find a sense of purpose through your spirituality?
Does it give you a sense of being your authentic self? Do you find vision within it? Can you grow in wisdom? Does it give you strength and confidence so you can find courage when you need it?
Where do you find joy and wonder? And hope? How does it bring you peace?
Do you have spiritual practices that help you feel more peaceful, like meditation or prayer? What benefits can you find from any rituals you might practice?
Personal spirituality impacts your relationship with others
Moving from your relationship with yourself, to your relationship with others. How does your spirituality change your interactions with others?
How does your spirituality bring you more love, let you love more fully and completely? How does it create patience and compassion, which are all really important for our relationships with other people. How do you use your spirituality to bring kindness and gentleness into your personal relationships?
Does your spirituality create acceptance of others? Promote justice or tolerance?
What about finding forgiveness? Not to automatically forgive someone who has wronged you, but to create a process of forgiveness so that bitterness doesn’t creep into your soul long-term, hurting you physically far more than maintaining anger hurts the other person.
Does your spirituality let you be of service to others. To cooperate with others? Show compassion and fairness to others? How does your spirituality aid in living in community with other invariably fallible human beings?
How does your spirituality inform your views about nature and interactions with plants, animals, and insects?
Personal spirituality impacts your relationship with the Divine
Then looking at your relationship with the Divine, with the Transcendent, that which some call God. How does your spirituality increase connection? Grow in understanding of the Mystery, or acceptance that we can never fully understand the Mystery?
Can you see how this might work for your own spirituality? Again, not all of the questions will be relevant to you today; it depends on what is most significant to you at this point in your life. Your focus will change as you learn, grow, and have different experiences.
Once you see how these kinds of questions can be used to look at your own spirituality, try to use them when (and if) you fall into judgment about someone else’s spirituality.
I believe the goal is to grow more love. If people can find and implement spiritual practices and spiritual beliefs that are life-giving to them, perhaps they will spend more time in communion with the Transcendent. I don’t know about you, but whenever I find and maintain that connection to the Divine, my spirituality does bear more fruit. More love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control, which are the fruits of the spirit referenced in the Christian New Testament.
Bearing good fruit not only helps me but helps the people around me. Creating a better space, better relationships. And those fruits, those virtues ripple out from us to others. The ripples grow from person to person, helping to create a kinder and more loving world.
Growing more love.
Joni Miller is a writer, researcher, spiritual coach, and speaker who uses her knowledge, education, and love of all things spiritual to help spiritual wanderers find their place they can call home, navigating by the light of love. https://www.SpiritualGeography.net.
